Wofle of Quebec

In the 18th century British chaps had settled in Canada, and got on famously with the locals, who were delighted to have such nice new neighbours! But unfortunately the French had occupied a part of Canada called Quebec, and were utterly beastly to the local population, beating them, robbing them, eating their children, and worst of all, breathing garlic all over them! Well those jolly decent British chaps weren't going to stand by and do nothing about this, but there was a problem, in that the French had built a mighty fortress, that looked impregnable.

However, one side of the French fort was unguarded, as it was atop a cliff, with rocks and the sea below. The leader of the British army in Canada, James Wolfe, wondered if it would be possible for his soldiers to climb the cliff and take the French by surprise. As luck would have it, somebody had told him of a man who was a genius at climbing cliffs, so Wolfe went to see him. The man in question was called Richard, and he was so good at climbing cliffs that people had come to call him Cliff Richard.

"How did you come to be so accomplished at cliff climbing?" Asked Wolfe.

"I practised as a kid when we went to the seaside for a 'summer holiday'," Cliff Richard replied, adding that he could teach Wolfe and his men to climb the cliff at Quebec. When Wolfe stated that they'd need to climb silently, so the French wouldn't hear them, Cliff Richard said he'd teach them to climb as silently as shadows. And he did, and people came to call them Cliff and the Shadows.

So on that fateful night, the French were thinking, 'with our mighty fort le Anglaise  can do nothing to stop us being nasty to people, heh heh heh!' But they were completely taken by surprise when Cliff and the Shadows turned up. In fact, I should think they were totally fucking amazes! Still, they should be grateful it wasn't Des O'Connor! Then Wolfe and his soldiers gave the French a damn good biffing! And once again pesky foreigners soon wished they hadn't tangled with brave British chaps!

Next, the Battle of Trafalgar.

Elizabeth the 1st and the Spanish Armada

In 1588 Queen Elizabeth was horrified to hear that King Philip of Spain, who was a right rotter, had sent a mighty armada to invade England, and she knew the only man who could save the country was the brave Captain Sir Francis Drake. "Frankie babes," she cried, "the Spanish have sent an armada to lay waste to our beloved England!"

   "Don't worry Lizzie babes," he replied, "us brave British chaps will defeat them."

   When the armada was spotted off the English coast, He was playing bowls, a game he loved. Drake had tried playing cricket, but he kept getting out for a duck! Ho ho ho! That's an example of the scintillating wit that we British chaps are renowned for. Anyway, Drake told his men to boot the Spanish right in the Caracas, as a boot in the Caracas can be nasty! So that's what they did, and the Spanish were soon sent home with their Caracas between their legs!

Next blog,

Wolfe of Quebec