King Richard the Lionheart

Richard the Lion Heart

King Richard was a brave king, so courageous he was known as Richard the Lion Heart! Or to his friends as Big Dick! And of course we British chaps are renowned for our big dicks! He went on to lead a crusade, and, er, apart from that, not a lot.

About the same time Nottingham was plagued by a bunch of commies known as Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Motivated by the politics of greed they went around robbing anyone with a bit of dosh. His main associates were a rogue cleric called Friar Fuck, And a guy known as Little John. John was actually a very big guy, but his staff was very small, and we British chaps are renowned for our mighty staffs! And a lady known as Maid Marianne was also in the gang. She was known as 'Maid' because just about everybody had made her!

And it should be mentioned that at this time stories circulated about a legendary king of the past, King Arthur. He commanded a group of brave knights, the bravest of all being Lancelot. That wasn't actually his name, he was called Lancelot because of his popularity with the ladies, and did lance a lot! And of course we British chaps are renowned for our mighty lances!

Next post,

Elizabeth the 1st

England's mightiest queen  

The Vikings

The Coming of the Vikings

In the eighth century the Vikings came to Britain, and they were a right bunch of reprobates! They'd kill all the men and rape all the women, or sometimes rape all the men and kill all the women, and generally behave in a most ungentlemanly manner! This called for a heroic leader, and just such a man there was, King Alfred the Great.

Now Alfred hadn't always wanted to be king, he attempted a career as a chef, but he wasn't much cop at it, he kept burning the cakes. So he went to the dark ages job centre and was told a king was needed. The job involved leading the army against the Vikings, ruthlessly slaughtering them, and tearing out their internal organs with his bare hands! Though apart from that the job was a bit of a doddle, just kingly sort of things like waving at people and presenting the medals at the jousting final, so he thought he'd give it a go. His first action was to summon his troops. They were unaware what the purpose of this was. "What's it all about Alfie?" They asked.

"Now look here chaps," Alfred said, "I know we're on a bit of a sticky wicket, but let's show these bally foreigners what the British fighting man is made of!"

Inspired by this stirring speech, his soldiers picked up their broad swords (and we British chaps are renowned for our mighty broad swords, as any British women will tell you!) and they'd soon given the Vikings a damn good biffing! 

NEXT

Richard the Lion Heart

  

Civilisation. The Early Years.

Don't be a dim-witted, dull-witted, cement-headed bladder brain twit! Read on and learn from my awesome intellect!

ANCIENT GREECE

Civilisation had its beginning in Ancient Greece. Now the Ancient Greeks were a busy lot, they didn't just wander around being ancient! They ascertained many important features of the universe, and there were great scientists in Ancient Greece, like Harry Stottle and Archie Medies. Course, sometimes they'd be tired, and would spend a few days doing nothing but being ancient. So much for Greece.

ROME

It was the Romans who brought civilisation to England. Brits at that time were a bit uncivilised, and the Romans were confronted by the Iceni, led by their queen, Boadicea. Now Boadicea was a tough babe, and she taunted Rome's legionnaires.

"You Italian's get lost pronto," she shouted, "or I'll boot you right in the Dolomites!"

And a boot in the Dolomites can be nasty! The Roman's were all scared of this fearsome female, except one brave man who jumped onto Boadicea's chariot, and seized her, then smacked her in the gob. "Take that you stroppy bitch!" He yelled.

Encouraged by his bravery, the Roman's attacked, and soon conquered England. Back in Rome, when the senators heard of this, they determined to honour the brave legionnaire who'd saved Rome from humiliation, but nobody knew who he was, he'd just disappeared in the battle. So it was decided that from then on the Roman emperor would be named after the moment this brave man had seized Boadicea, and that's how the Roman emperors came to be called 'Ceaser'. (I expect Ceaser is Latin for 'seized her'). 

My next post will be 'the coming of the Vikings'.