Wofle of Quebec

In the 18th century British chaps had settled in Canada, and got on famously with the locals, who were delighted to have such nice new neighbours! But unfortunately the French had occupied a part of Canada called Quebec, and were utterly beastly to the local population, beating them, robbing them, eating their children, and worst of all, breathing garlic all over them! Well those jolly decent British chaps weren't going to stand by and do nothing about this, but there was a problem, in that the French had built a mighty fortress, that looked impregnable.

However, one side of the French fort was unguarded, as it was atop a cliff, with rocks and the sea below. The leader of the British army in Canada, James Wolfe, wondered if it would be possible for his soldiers to climb the cliff and take the French by surprise. As luck would have it, somebody had told him of a man who was a genius at climbing cliffs, so Wolfe went to see him. The man in question was called Richard, and he was so good at climbing cliffs that people had come to call him Cliff Richard.

"How did you come to be so accomplished at cliff climbing?" Asked Wolfe.

"I practised as a kid when we went to the seaside for a 'summer holiday'," Cliff Richard replied, adding that he could teach Wolfe and his men to climb the cliff at Quebec. When Wolfe stated that they'd need to climb silently, so the French wouldn't hear them, Cliff Richard said he'd teach them to climb as silently as shadows. And he did, and people came to call them Cliff and the Shadows.

So on that fateful night, the French were thinking, 'with our mighty fort le Anglaise  can do nothing to stop us being nasty to people, heh heh heh!' But they were completely taken by surprise when Cliff and the Shadows turned up. In fact, I should think they were totally fucking amazes! Still, they should be grateful it wasn't Des O'Connor! Then Wolfe and his soldiers gave the French a damn good biffing! And once again pesky foreigners soon wished they hadn't tangled with brave British chaps!

Next, the Battle of Trafalgar.

Elizabeth the 1st and the Spanish Armada

In 1588 Queen Elizabeth was horrified to hear that King Philip of Spain, who was a right rotter, had sent a mighty armada to invade England, and she knew the only man who could save the country was the brave Captain Sir Francis Drake. "Frankie babes," she cried, "the Spanish have sent an armada to lay waste to our beloved England!"

   "Don't worry Lizzie babes," he replied, "us brave British chaps will defeat them."

   When the armada was spotted off the English coast, He was playing bowls, a game he loved. Drake had tried playing cricket, but he kept getting out for a duck! Ho ho ho! That's an example of the scintillating wit that we British chaps are renowned for. Anyway, Drake told his men to boot the Spanish right in the Caracas, as a boot in the Caracas can be nasty! So that's what they did, and the Spanish were soon sent home with their Caracas between their legs!

Next blog,

Wolfe of Quebec

King Richard the Lionheart

Richard the Lion Heart

King Richard was a brave king, so courageous he was known as Richard the Lion Heart! Or to his friends as Big Dick! And of course we British chaps are renowned for our big dicks! He went on to lead a crusade, and, er, apart from that, not a lot.

About the same time Nottingham was plagued by a bunch of commies known as Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Motivated by the politics of greed they went around robbing anyone with a bit of dosh. His main associates were a rogue cleric called Friar Fuck, And a guy known as Little John. John was actually a very big guy, but his staff was very small, and we British chaps are renowned for our mighty staffs! And a lady known as Maid Marianne was also in the gang. She was known as 'Maid' because just about everybody had made her!

And it should be mentioned that at this time stories circulated about a legendary king of the past, King Arthur. He commanded a group of brave knights, the bravest of all being Lancelot. That wasn't actually his name, he was called Lancelot because of his popularity with the ladies, and did lance a lot! And of course we British chaps are renowned for our mighty lances!

Next post,

Elizabeth the 1st

England's mightiest queen  

The Vikings

The Coming of the Vikings

In the eighth century the Vikings came to Britain, and they were a right bunch of reprobates! They'd kill all the men and rape all the women, or sometimes rape all the men and kill all the women, and generally behave in a most ungentlemanly manner! This called for a heroic leader, and just such a man there was, King Alfred the Great.

Now Alfred hadn't always wanted to be king, he attempted a career as a chef, but he wasn't much cop at it, he kept burning the cakes. So he went to the dark ages job centre and was told a king was needed. The job involved leading the army against the Vikings, ruthlessly slaughtering them, and tearing out their internal organs with his bare hands! Though apart from that the job was a bit of a doddle, just kingly sort of things like waving at people and presenting the medals at the jousting final, so he thought he'd give it a go. His first action was to summon his troops. They were unaware what the purpose of this was. "What's it all about Alfie?" They asked.

"Now look here chaps," Alfred said, "I know we're on a bit of a sticky wicket, but let's show these bally foreigners what the British fighting man is made of!"

Inspired by this stirring speech, his soldiers picked up their broad swords (and we British chaps are renowned for our mighty broad swords, as any British women will tell you!) and they'd soon given the Vikings a damn good biffing! 

NEXT

Richard the Lion Heart

  

Civilisation. The Early Years.

Don't be a dim-witted, dull-witted, cement-headed bladder brain twit! Read on and learn from my awesome intellect!

ANCIENT GREECE

Civilisation had its beginning in Ancient Greece. Now the Ancient Greeks were a busy lot, they didn't just wander around being ancient! They ascertained many important features of the universe, and there were great scientists in Ancient Greece, like Harry Stottle and Archie Medies. Course, sometimes they'd be tired, and would spend a few days doing nothing but being ancient. So much for Greece.

ROME

It was the Romans who brought civilisation to England. Brits at that time were a bit uncivilised, and the Romans were confronted by the Iceni, led by their queen, Boadicea. Now Boadicea was a tough babe, and she taunted Rome's legionnaires.

"You Italian's get lost pronto," she shouted, "or I'll boot you right in the Dolomites!"

And a boot in the Dolomites can be nasty! The Roman's were all scared of this fearsome female, except one brave man who jumped onto Boadicea's chariot, and seized her, then smacked her in the gob. "Take that you stroppy bitch!" He yelled.

Encouraged by his bravery, the Roman's attacked, and soon conquered England. Back in Rome, when the senators heard of this, they determined to honour the brave legionnaire who'd saved Rome from humiliation, but nobody knew who he was, he'd just disappeared in the battle. So it was decided that from then on the Roman emperor would be named after the moment this brave man had seized Boadicea, and that's how the Roman emperors came to be called 'Ceaser'. (I expect Ceaser is Latin for 'seized her'). 

My next post will be 'the coming of the Vikings'.