The Vikings

The Coming of the Vikings

In the eighth century the Vikings came to Britain, and they were a right bunch of reprobates! They'd kill all the men and rape all the women, or sometimes rape all the men and kill all the women, and generally behave in a most ungentlemanly manner! This called for a heroic leader, and just such a man there was, King Alfred the Great.

Now Alfred hadn't always wanted to be king, he attempted a career as a chef, but he wasn't much cop at it, he kept burning the cakes. So he went to the dark ages job centre and was told a king was needed. The job involved leading the army against the Vikings, ruthlessly slaughtering them, and tearing out their internal organs with his bare hands! Though apart from that the job was a bit of a doddle, just kingly sort of things like waving at people and presenting the medals at the jousting final, so he thought he'd give it a go. His first action was to summon his troops. They were unaware what the purpose of this was. "What's it all about Alfie?" They asked.

"Now look here chaps," Alfred said, "I know we're on a bit of a sticky wicket, but let's show these bally foreigners what the British fighting man is made of!"

Inspired by this stirring speech, his soldiers picked up their broad swords (and we British chaps are renowned for our mighty broad swords, as any British women will tell you!) and they'd soon given the Vikings a damn good biffing! 

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Richard the Lion Heart